Didn't We Almost Have It All
by EveryStringAttached
Summary: “I know, Ziva, I know you’re being sent back to Israel,” Slightly AU, mentions of season 5, ONESHOT. Ziva/Tony please R&R.


_A/N- This was written for a challenge at the FCG (link's in my profile). Thanks to my wonderful beta Race__fh853629 :)_

**Didn't We Almost Have it All**

A single sliver of silver moonlight shone through the gap in the curtains as Tony wrapped his arms around the woman lying next to him.

Still, she wouldn't relax.

"Ziva," he whispered into her ear. His warm breath on her neck caused shivers down her spine and she straightened, propping her hand up on her head to look at him.

Her movement caused the soft beam to fall on and highlight her delicate features the natural curls in her long dark hair. To him, she had never looked so beautiful. She blinked, once, then twice, and for a moment all they could hear was the pelting rain beating down on the window.

"Tony, I…" she started.

"I know, Ziva. I know you're being sent back to Israel," he said softly, gently cupping her cheek with his hand. "But that doesn't mean we can't still have tonight. It doesn't mean we can't still have the rest of our lives. You know how I feel about you."

She sighed at his comment. "It is not just that, Tony. You say that you love me, but there are things that-"

"I don't care about things from your past. This is our future, and I do love you, with all my heart Ziva. I wish you could just trust me," he cut in before she had a chance to finish

Ziva leaned her head down, so close that their noses were touching. "I do trust you, Tony," she said, in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Then, what are you afraid of? This is it for me, you are everything, all I need," he explained.

The unshed tears in Tony's eyes pulled at her heart. It was not that she doubted him, she doubted herself. She doubted if she could bear to see the look on his face when he found out exactly what her past was like, not just snippets, but the whole thing.

"And you are more than…more than anything I ever dreamed I would have, Tony. I just, I do not want you to be disillusioned." She sighed again, blinking away the tears that were stinging her own eyes.

"I want to tell you these things. I do not want to keep any secrets from you. But I do not know if I can bear to hurt you, or drive you away. I do not think…I cannot take that pain, Tony. That is what I'm afraid of," she admitted, allowing one tear to roll silently down her cheek before she began swiping the rest away with her palm.

Tony took hold of her hand and squeezed it tight, then reached up to brush her tears away himself. "Anything you say to me now, Ziva, it's not going to change anything. I've seen life and death with you, what happened to Gibbs…and Jenny."

He paused at the mention of the most recent loss they'd had to deal with, and didn't fail to notice how she flinched at the sound of Jenny's name.

"Cairo," Ziva sobbed, bringing her hands up to hide her tears. "I did some terrible things in Cairo, Jenny could not…but the things I did to get intel." She stopped to take a breath, surprised at how fast the tears and the information were coming out.

"I slept with so many men, I let them use me…I killed innocent people because they were in the way….Tony," she cried, turning over completely so that he couldn't see her face anymore. "I'm a monster."

Tony felt his heart break in two at her view of herself. No longer able to hold his own tears back. He reached around her and held her tight as she shook with sobs.

"You are not a monster Ziva," he tried to reason with her. "What you did, it was your job. You were, what, 22 for God's sake?"

He could feel her shaking her head, and she mumbled something that he couldn't make out.

"You don't have to go back. You can quit, find another job here," Tony offered, cringing at the desperation in his voice.

Her head shook more violently at this suggestion, and she turned to lie on her back and stare at the ceiling. The tears were still flowing down her cheeks, but she didn't seem to care anymore.

"This is not a job I can just quit…My Father-"

"Is the Deputy Director of Mossad. I get it. I get that this is an honor thing for you. I understand that this was important," he paused momentarily. "But you've served your time. They've taken seven years of your life."

Pausing again to look over at her, he could see her head was still shaking. He reached over and ran his hand through her hair.

"Ziva, look at me," he asked, shifting a little closer to her. "Look at me. Please."

She turned her head to face him, and the pain that was etched on her face almost made Tony physically wince.

"The crap that you went through, all this baggage you have, it's close to breaking your soul, your spirit, and do you know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that if you go back to how you were, it's going to break you completely," he admitted, wiping away the tears on her cheek with his thumb.

"It is the only thing I know Tony. I am meant for this job, my Father tells me often enough. If I leave, I will disgrace him. I cannot do that," she explained, suddenly sitting up in the bed.

"Ziva, wha-"

"You cannot bear me to be like this…but I have to be, this is who I am," she said as she slid out of the bed and began to get dressed. She leaned over and kissed him, her tears mixing with the ones flowing down his cheeks.

"You have to find someone, who can make you as happy as you have made me these past two years," she whispered as she pulled away and headed for the door.

"What? What is this? Ziva, you can't just leave. Go back to work, I'll support you. There's no way I'll stop loving you, please," Tony begged as he jumped out of bed to follow her.

"Tony, once I start working for Mossad again, you will grow to hate me. Your heart is too kind to keep pushing what I do aside." She shook her head and continued towards the door.

"My heart? What about yours? It's breaking and you're not trying to stop it. You're going to keep going-"

"My heart," Ziva stated sadly, as she turned back around, "was already broken. When Tali died, a part of me died. It's just the pieces that hurt now. Keep being a whole person Tony," she pleaded to him, her eyes begging. "I do not want to be responsible for breaking you. I love you."

"I'll fight, for us, for you," Tony said, catching up with her at the front door.

"I am not worth it Tony. I swear to you, this is the best thing," she explained, her hand reaching up to trace the strong line of his jaw. "And we will always have the memories. Remember the memories."

She bit her lip as she forced back a sob, and Tony was speechless. He grabbed her hand as she opened the door, but she pulled away gently.

"I love you," she whispered as she softly closed the door.

"I love you too," he spoke through the wood. He hit the door, and then sank to the cold tile floor and sobbed long after he had heard her car drive away.

_A/N Challenge elements:- must include: rain, family/the past, must be: at least PG-13, 750 words minimum_. _I've never written a fic so quickly, so close to a deadline or so hungover before_,_ so I'd love your opinions :)_


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